Getting back to the basics . . .

I'm beginning to realize that this time of my life, this part of my spiritual sojourn, is becoming more and more about getting back to the basics and relearning the many aspects of the Christian faith that I've either not paid close enough attention to in the past or have totally taken for granted for a number of years.

This is exactly what the doctor, or in this case my Heavenly Father, has ordered for me. Words can't bring justice to the work that I know God is doing in my life.

For me, after nearly 29 years of trying to figure out where I fit in this earthly puzzle, I'm beginning to see that much of my life has been about playing a role.

In high school the role I played fairly successfully was one of a torn young man, trying to please an unseen God whom he didn't really know or understand, without being "outed" by his schoolmates, whom he was afraid would ridicule and belittle him for what he feared were "uncool" beliefs. Sounds like quite the life, right?

For me though, I learned how to adapt. I learned how to walk the walk and talk the talk at school. I learned how to walk the walk and talk the talk at church and in youth group. The theme of those years could probably be summed up with one word- compromise.

I compromised everything- my integrity, my beliefs, my values- in order to fit in with two different groups of people in two very different settings. My church friends had no idea what I was like at school and my school friends had no idea that I even went to church, let alone what I was like there.

You can imagine that after keeping this up for my last 3 years of high school I was a pretty confused individual.

So what did I do? I went to Bible College in another province, some 30 hours drive away from home.

Once I started at Bible College I was finally freed from the shackles of having to living two lives. I could start to focus entirely on becoming the person God wanted me to be. Or could I?

I quickly began to realize that all the years I had spent in high school denying my true calling and denying what I knew to be foundational truths had inevitably caused me to miss out on a lot of learning and understanding of who God was and where I fit in His plans.

Now all of a sudden my new environment was filled with people who raised their hands to the sky and closed their eyes when they sang in chapel. My dorm was filled with guys who had scripture verses memorized and were genuinely excited about reading their Bible and about the classes they were taking.

I couldn't understand why I didn't have that same passion. Why didn't I have that same fire? Instead of talking to someone about these questions and seeking out the answers that were meant for me, I just adopted a lot of the behaviours that I was witnessing. Once again, a new character was formed that prevented the real me from every coming forth.

I adapted. I learned how to talk, how to pray, how to act. But something was different this time around. Now all of a sudden there were people who could see through facade. There were people who knew that I wasn't being myself. How did I react to those people? Quite simply, I avoided them. I surrounded myself with those people that I knew would just let me do my own thing without getting in my kitchen.

Half-way through my second year of college my world was rocked when my Dad passed away after a two year battle with cancer. I was 20 years old and now, according to the government of Canada, was officially an orphan (my birth mom passed away when I was 2 but my Dad remarried 2 years later and so my step-Mom is still very much a part of my life).

Why did I become a Christian? At the time I think I was a young kid who got caught up in the emotion of a youth group campfire. I wanted to be a part of something special. I think deep down I believed the gospel message to be truth but, as a 15 year old kid who always did what he was told, I think I also just wanted to make people happy- my Dad, my youth pastor, my church friends. I didn't realize what I was signing up for.

So here I was, 20 years old, dealing with the death of my Dad (who was the greatest spiritual influence on my life up to that time) and realizing that I was still proclaiming faith in a set of beliefs that I had yet to really make my own. My faith was my Dad's faith; it was my sister's faith; it was the faith of my church friends; it was the faith of my Youth Pastor. It was everyone's faith but my own.

And so I retreated. I came back to school but I decided that I was there because of the friendships I had at the time, not because of God. I went to class, I participated in Bible Studies. I preached sermons in class. But everything was surface. Nothing seemed to be able to get into my heart. God seemed so far away and distant.

And so I have gone on that road for 7 years now. There have been times when I get back on the "God bandwagon" but it never takes long before I jump off again in order to do my own thing.

While compromise would be the best word to describe my high school years, I think the best word to describe my journey since those days would be pride. I know that it's my pride that has kept me from fully trusting, from fully committing myself into God's care.

And now, at nearly 29 years old, with a wife, 2 beautiful kids and a third child on the way, I'm finally starting to develop a personal relationship with my Lord and Saviour. That pride that has kept me separated from God for so long is no longer an option because there's more at stake here than just my own life.

For years I've asked God why He doesn't use me for greater things. Why do I feel like I'm nothing but untapped potential?

Today I realize that it begins and ends with God. Today I sit here and I understand that, for me, this chapter in my life is all about getting back to the basics and allowing God to work through all the crap and crud that has built up in my life since that fateful night in Northern Ontario when I looked up into the stars and surrendered my life to God's leading.

And so I give up trying to come across like Billy Graham on the outside while inside I look more like Howard Stern.

It feels good. It feels like, for the first time in my life, I'm coming before God because before God is where my heart tells me I need to be. I'm not doing this to please anyone other than God.

I have no idea where this will take me. I have no idea how this will change my life (although I know it will). I just know it feels pretty darn good to just be me and to not care about who may or may not like that.